you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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