how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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