He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
