I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
