How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
