I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
