Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
