i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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