Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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