Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
