I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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