so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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