please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
