the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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