Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
