am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
