Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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