note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
