last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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