Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
