1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
