yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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