it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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