i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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