I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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