You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
