I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
