dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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