I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
