bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
