I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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