she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I looked at my own cervix.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
