i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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