R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
