i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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