I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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