theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
