my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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