Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
