ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
