do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
