"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
