i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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