I used to practice getting hit by cars.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
