we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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