if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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