Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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