She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
