Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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