Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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