I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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