I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
