Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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