He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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