i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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