I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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