some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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