Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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