There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
