You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We need to rekindle our bromance
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
