some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
