sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
