I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
