I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize