i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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